6 Signs That You Have an Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

Do you feel constantly insecure about your relationships? Or do you need frequent reassurance from your loved ones or romantic partners? Perhaps, both?

If your answer is yes, then this post is for you.

Let’s talk about anxious preoccupied attachment style, its signs and causes, as well as its effects on your intimate relationships.

What Is Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style?

Everybody sometimes feels anxious and uncertain about themselves or their capabilities. We call this feeling “insecurity” and it’s perfectly natural when facing new or unfamiliar challenges.

That said, deeper and longer-lasting insecurity may point to an issue in your experiences as an infant. Experts identify these insecurity-related behaviors as “styles,” and offer various strategic coping mechanisms to alleviate them.

Currently, psychologists categorize four patterns of attachment styles: (1) secure attachment style, (2) anxious attachment style, (3) avoidant attachment style, and (4) disorganized attachment style.

What Anxious Attachment Looks Like In Children

According to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, prominent figures in psychology, your childhood experiences often manifest in several ways as an adult.

This theory called the attachment theory, states that the manner of interactions you had as an infant directly affects your interpersonal relationships later in life.

For example, when your parent or guardian left you with a babysitter or a caregiver. Or when your parents left you at a close relative for work.

How you reacted in these scenarios (sad, apathetic, anxious, etc.) would reveal your infancy expectations and how your needs were met as a child. 

Most importantly, it’ll explain how you navigate emotional connections as an adult.

A child with an anxious preoccupied attachment style will cling to their parents, guardian, or caregiver. They often also exhibit signs and symptoms of separation anxiety.

One common reaction would be becoming upset when their parents leave them. They might also feel that their parents will abandon them and don’t appear comforted even after the parents return.

What It Looks Like In Adults

In adults, anxious or insecure attachment style usually manifests in intimate or romantic relationships. This attachment style develops in individuals who experience inconsistent behaviors with their friends or partners.

Couples with one person showing inconsistent or unstable affection toward the other, for instance, can cause feelings of insecurity or anxiety. This situation is typical among partners with emotional abuse issues.

That said, it’s worth noting that anxious attachment isn’t an official mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM-5. 

However, it can be one of the symptoms of several mental conditions, such as borderline personality disorders, substance use disorders, and social anxiety disorders.

6 Signs You Have Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

If you think you or any of your loved ones have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, here are six of the most pertinent signs to know for sure:

1. Insecurity In Your Relationships

Do you always worry about “not being good enough” for your other half? Does it affect your and your partner's happiness in the relationship?

One familiar sign of an anxious preoccupied attachment style is feeling insecure in your relationships. This could happen in any connection, romantic or platonic, including friends and familial ties.

A person with an anxious attachment style can become reactive or extremely sensitive to their loved one’s words and actions. They also often imagine getting abandoned at the slightest quarrel or disagreement.

Jealousy is another tell-tale sign of individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment style. They’re more likely to snoop on their partner’s belongings, check social media for information, and may even turn abusive when they feel distrustful.

2. Frequent Desire For Reassurance

Do you feel like your partner or friends don’t genuinely love you? Do you only feel good about your relationship when your partner behaves a certain way? Or maybe you always want your partner around you to feel reassured?

Individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment style almost can’t feel a sense of security, causing their constant desire for reassurance. Because of this, they usually come off as “needy” or “clingy” partners. 

Mind you, it’s perfectly normal to ask (even demand) reassurance occasionally, both in platonic and romantic commitments. However, people with anxious preoccupied attachment seek it almost excessively.

Some unhealthy reassurance-seeking behaviors can include:

• Constantly asking if your partner is upset.
• Deliberately manufacturing conflict or scenarios to “test” your partner’s affection.
• Complimenting your partner and expecting a compliment in return.
• Threatening to end the relationship to seek reassurance from your partner.
• Attempting to gauge your partner’s feelings through their friends and family.

3. Strong Fear of Abandonment

Do you have a constant nudging feeling that your partner will leave you? Does it happen even though there’s nothing wrong in your relationship?

Everybody is afraid of being abandoned or left behind by loved ones. However, people with this attachment style typically become immensely distraught once a relationship ends or when separated from their partners.

This intense fear is likely rooted in feeling insecure or abandoned by your parents as a child. It usually leads to an unhealthy relationship where one person becomes excessively dependent on the other, negatively impacting the couple’s well-being.

4. Difficulty Trusting Other People

Trust issues are a common symptom of anxious attachment. This is when you find it difficult to trust your partner or friends when they say they care for you and won’t leave you.

People with anxiety attachment are usually reluctant to trust people because of their fear of abandonment, leading to becoming wary of their loved one’s actions or words.

In romantic situations, distrust can come in forms like jealousy and attempts to control the other person’s actions. For friends, a person with anxious attachment can become overly clingy or protective.

That said, trust is an essential aspect of any relationship. As such, without proper ways to manage or control feelings of distrust, people with anxiety attachment can lose friendships and romantic partners.

5. Excessive Need for Attention

Do you care about having your friends’ or partner’s attention 24/7? Do you feel intense discomfort whenever you’re alone and want to avoid it?

All these feelings can point to an anxious preoccupied attachment style. According to experts, this attention-seeking tendency can be rooted in a lack of emotional nurturing and security when you’re a child.

To cope with the fear of rejection and abandonment, a person with anxious attachment typically develops people-pleasing habits to gain external validation. They’ll go along with what a friend or partner wants, even if they feel uncomfortable. 

This need for attention can also manifest in ways that infringe on another person’s or even their own boundaries. It can include calling or texting someone non-stop until they respond, difficulty saying “no” to people or overextending in your work to please coworkers.

6. Negative Perception of Self

It’s common for people with anxious attachment styles to see themselves negatively. That means they usually take criticism poorly. 

Instead of viewing criticism as a way to help them grow, they think of it as an affirmation of rejection, amplifying their fears and childhood trauma. 

In short, other people’s opinions significantly affect their self-esteem and self-image. This is also one of the many reasons they fall into an unhealthy cycle of reassurance-seeking to feel validated or confident.

A person with anxious attachment often walks the fine line between craving and fearing intimacy. So, while they have an intense desire for emotional and physical closeness, they might not know how to accept it when it comes their way.

Possible Causes of Developing Anxious Attachment

So, how does anxious preoccupied attachment emerge in children? According to experts, some of the most crucial factors that contribute include the following:

Genetics

Similar to many mental health conditions and disorders, psychologists believe that a person’s genes contribute to their likelihood of developing anxious preoccupied attachment. Others also point to temperament and personality.

However, the individual’s environment and experiences are often considered the primary factors for this attachment style.

Parenting Method

The parenting method is another aspect attributed to anxious attachment. Overprotective parents, for example, can inadvertently make their child feel “weak” and in need of protection all the time.

Intrusive parenting like this can result in the child developing anxiety and low self-esteem, which can later become an unhealthy dependence on a partner or friends.

Attachment Trauma

Experiencing stress and traumatic events at any point in your life may also lead to anxious attachment development. 

But it’s more typical in children when they experience attachment trauma. That is when one or both parents fail to provide adequate and consistent care, comfort, attention, or affection.

A caregiver or guardian who’s unpredictable in how well they meet a child’s needs can bring feelings of insecurity. Children raised in such an environment of inconsistent care may view attention as valuable but shaky, which can lead to attention-seeking tendencies.

Abusive Relationships

Adult relationships with abusive qualities are also a source of attachment issues. For instance, one partner can frequently belittle the other person’s appearance, capabilities, or intellect. 

Hearing this abusive language all the time may lead them to believe it themselves. As a result, the abused individual can cling to the abuser and rely on them for protection and comfort they feel they can’t provide for themselves.

Effects of Anxious or Insecure Attachment Style

One of the harmful effects of anxious attachment is how it impacts the happiness a person feels in relationships and commitments. Compared to people with secure attachments, those with anxious attachments feel less satisfied and fulfilled.

It’s typical for people with an anxious attachment to sabotage their relationships, romantic and platonic. They overthink, question, and over-analyze tiny details, preventing them from living and enjoying the present.

Mistrust in your friends or partner can erode the foundation of your relationship. Spending all your time thinking about whether the person you love is giving enough attention and affection can quickly turn off-putting and push them away.

Over time, it could lead them to struggle with their interpersonal relationships, and may even affect their mental health condition.

Available Treatment and Coping Strategies

Thankfully, it’s possible to turn things around. With proper expert advice and guidance, you can learn to manage and control your emotional symptoms and turn anxiety into security.

Understanding Your Situation

Educating yourself is the first step to overcoming your attachment style. This way, you can understand your situation and find the treatment and coping approaches that suit you best.

Look back at how you behaved in past relationships or are behaving in your current one. Use the information to examine and handle feelings of insecurity.

Practicing Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness and self-awareness are your weapons. Remember that overanalyzing your relationship through a negative filter can hurt yourself and your loved ones.

Mindfulness exercises, such as breathing techniques and meditation, can help you tune into the present and move on from a negative emotion.

Keeping a journal is another excellent self-awareness practice. Writing about your thoughts and feelings about uncomfortable situations can help you identify unhealthy behavioral patterns.

Learning Healthy Communication Skills

Communication is key to every relationship. Learning healthy ways to communicate your needs and sharing your struggles can benefit your social and romantic life.

Sharing your feelings, emotions, and expectations allows other people in your life to respond, strengthening your bond.

Considering Therapy

Of course, if you find managing your emotions and thoughts difficult, you can always seek professional help. This approach is especially recommended for people with underlying mental health conditions alongside their attachment styles.

Working with an expert can help you effectively examine your situation, identify feelings about yourself and others, and learn to handle relationships healthily.

Most importantly, you can learn strategies and coping mechanisms, and find valuable treatment resources such as cognitive behavioral therapies (CBT), interpersonal therapies (IPT), and psychodynamic therapies.

Final Thoughts

To recap, an anxious preoccupied attachment style is a pattern of behavior. It’s common for children with an inconsistent parent or guardian but it also develops in adults in unhealthy relationships.

Feelings of insecurity, poor self-image, innate mistrust of people, and fear of abandonment are some of the typical characterizations of anxious attachment. It usually affects how well the person navigates interpersonal relationships.

There are plenty of ways to cope with this attachment style, though. Educating yourself, practicing mindfulness, learning healthy communication skills, and talk therapy are excellent approaches to overcoming anxious attachment.

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