9 Essential Skills for Building Resilience in Children

Researchers tell us that parenting is the most significant factor behind resilience.

Naturally, you want to be the best parent you can be, and you want to set your kid up for success. But the question here is this: What can you actually do to raise a child who bounces back after every challenge?

In this article, we’ll go over the skills needed for building resilience in children. We’ll also take a look at the “7 Cs” model.

9 Skills Your Child Needs to Learn to Become More Resilient

From critical thinking to staying organized, there are lots of essential skills that can help your kid succeed in life. But did you know some skills can specifically boost their resilience?

Here are nine of these resilience-boosting skills to focus on during your child’s formative years:

1. Healthy Communication

If there’s one key to raising a resilient child, it’s a supportive adult-kid relationship. This adult could be a parent, a relative, or a teacher.

Regardless, science tells us that this mentorship-like relationship can compensate for the exposure to negative experiences. And let’s agree on one thing—resilience is when a child’s perspective scales tip toward positive outcomes rather than trauma.

So, when your kids can connect to the adults around them, the sense of belonging can boost their resilience.

What You Can Do:

Your best bet is to foster a caring and supportive relationship with your kids.

You want to be as nonjudgemental and empathic as possible. This way, they’ll feel safe sharing what’s on their minds. Next, you’ll ask questions, and if they don’t have the answers, you’ll reassure them that you’ll help them figure things out.

However, you also want to encourage them to connect with others. Showing them that it’s okay to express their emotions helps. But you also need to address family conflict openly so they know it’s best to resolve problems before resentment takes hold.

Some healthy communication with peers won’t hurt, either. So, go ahead and sign your children up for sports or other group activities.

2. Problem-Solving

A resilient child feels competent. But to build a sense of competence, you need problem-solving skills.

One serious mistake that a lot of parents make is trying to solve each and every problem their children come across. We know the protective instinct is strong, but tackling issues on your kids’ behalf will only create layers of dependency.

What You Can Do:

Suppose your kid comes to you with a problem. Maybe it’s a conflict with a peer. Rather than stepping in or calling the teacher right away, you might want to talk to your kid first. Help them figure out what they want to say (or do) to resolve this conflict. Sometimes, it helps to role-play.

If your kid can’t figure out a solution, explain how you tackle issues in your own life. You can also highlight their strengths to help them brainstorm solutions.

Note: Your child won’t always manage to solve problems on their own. Expect things to go wrong and be prepared to encourage them to have another go at it.

3. Confidence

Believe it or not, confidence is a teachable skill. It’s also the sort of skill that can help your child push through challenges.

What You Can Do:

Lucky for you, competence helps build confidence. So, if you apply the previous tips, you’ll already be on your way to boosting your kid’s self-confidence.

However, you still need a bit of praise. No, we don’t mean telling your little tots that they’re special. Instead, you need to aim for authentic, purposeful praise.

Focus on specific qualities, skills, and achievements whenever. If your kid is into painting, you can comment on how their use of color in this painting is great or how their watercolor technique has improved.

We also recommend using effort-based praise, like “I’m impressed with how hard you worked on this project!” or “You did a great job doing X!” This type of praise can be better for developing a growth mindset, too.

4. Goal Setting

Biting off more than you can chew is a recipe for a disaster. You’ll end up failing to meet your own expectations, which can push you to lose confidence in yourself and give up faster. The same applies to children.

That’s why setting reasonable goals is a vital skill.

What You Can Do:

Encourage children to break down goals into sizable chunks. For instance, you can show them how to break down school assignments and projects into smaller tasks, setting (and sticking to) reasonable timelines.

Bonus Point: Taking things one step at a time will also help reduce stress!

5. Coping

No matter how hard you try, you can’t protect your kids from stress 100%. They still need to learn to cope in a positive way rather than in a damaging way. Otherwise, they won’t be able to overcome hardships.

What You Can Do:

One valid option here is to model positive coping strategies in front of your children. But it’s also possible to set fun lessons for the different coping skills—both physical and emotional.

For physical coping, try the squeeze-relax game. It’s basically a way to teach your kid progressive muscle relaxation using a small squishy ball. Grounding exercises (name x things you can hear, see, touch, etc.) are also suitable for kids.

Just don’t get carried away with the games and forget the emotional aspect. Journaling and positive self-talk are particularly important coping skills for teens. Younger children, however, may benefit from creative self-expression outlets like drawing.

6. Adaptability and Finding Strength in Uncertainty

Change can be scary. Kids might feel like they’re losing control over their lives and that their plans are going sideways. The thing is, you can’t keep things as they are. Sometimes, friends change schools and families drift apart. 

The sooner your kid learns to accept change as a fact of life, the better.

What You Can Do:

Try to show your kids that change isn’t always bad. Odds are, life has already changed in one way or the other in the past. All you need to do is point out an example of how they’ve adapted once and tell them they can do it again.

It’s also helpful to look for a role model who experienced similar changes. Suppose you and your partner are splitting up. In this case, your child might need to confide in an older friend or a relative whose parents separated.

Seeing that someone went through a similar situation and came out the other side happy and successful might be just what your kid needs.

7. Living in the Moment

Unfortunately, your child might feel troubled (by the exams, accidents, sudden changes, etc.) at some point and suffer from anxiety.

To instill some resilience into your kids, you need to teach them to live in the now and focus on what they can actually control. This way, they won’t end up feeling passive and helpless when adversity hits.

What You Can Do:

Show your kids that while self-discipline is important and they can’t always do what they want, they still get a dose of control over their lives.

Here’s an example:

Your child is upset because their toy is damaged. Now, the damage is done. Rather than staying sad all day, they can focus on the possible solutions. Maybe you can help them fix it. Or perhaps they can save up and buy a new one.

8. Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence might not seem like it has much to do with resilience at first. But once you consider the traits and social skills that come along with emotional intelligence, things start to make more sense.

After all, an emotionally intelligent person knows how to advocate for themselves, seek support, and empathize with others. They’re also self-aware and can regulate their emotions. These all come in handy when a person is trying to handle unexpected situations.

What You Can Do:

There are lots of fun games that can hone a child’s emotional intelligence. Even a game like “Simon Says!” can be beneficial once you tweak it slightly to make each round an opportunity for little kids to learn to express different emotions.

Some parents resort to the mood meter and the RULER model (recognizing feelings, understanding the trigger, labeling the emotion, expressing it, and regulating it).

9. Self-Compassion

Self-compassion will help your kids treat themselves in a forgiving and accepting way whenever they fail or make a mistake. That alone could make all the difference in overcoming difficult experiences.

What You Can Do:

Ask your kids what they’d do if a close friend made a mistake. Odds are, their answer will reflect kindness and compassion. So, why can’t they show themselves the same kindness they would offer others? They’re just as worthy of compassion!

On your part, you need to show validation. Before criticizing, remember that your kids might internalize your tone. If you’re hypercritical of your children, their internal voice will likely be hyper-critical. If you’re showing them compassion, you’ll give them a compassionate inner voice.

Using the 7Cs of Resilience as a Parenting Guideline

The “7 Cs” model is a set of interconnected principles that help parents prepare their children to thrive in life.

What are the different Cs, you ask?

Well, they are:

1. Competence: Learning how to handle difficult situations and navigate the world
2. Confidence: Believing in your competence
3. Connection: Feeling seen and maintaining a close tie to the community
4. Character: Having strong values and a sense of right and wrong
5. Contribution: Knowing that it feels to give back to the community (so you don’t feel bad asking for help)
6. Coping: Dealing with stress and knowing the difference between a minor setback and a tragedy
7. Control: Understanding that your actions affect your life and knowing how to use this fact to bounce back

Sit down and reflect on how developed each of your child’s Cs is. Find out which aspects need more work and plan accordingly.

Side Note: A different resilience model by Lyn Worsley identifies three internal factors behind resilience: I have, I am, and I can. The first reflects knowing one’s resources. The second is all about self-esteem, while the third covers self-efficacy.

3 Golden Tips for Parents

Now that you know the resilience-boosting skills and the “7 Cs” model, all you need are some tips to help you along the way.

1. Cultivate Joy

Every now and then, your child’s resilience will pay off, and they’ll achieve a goal or learn a new skill. Celebrate that milestone and make sure your child gets the chance to acknowledge and appreciate the progress.

2. Keep All Resilience-Building Activities Age-Appropriate

For preschool children, we recommend focusing on family time (reading and playing together). The idea is to create enough protective experiences to tip the scale when kids get exposed to adversity and emotional pain eventually.

Even watching TV can be helpful for little children. Take Gabby’s Dollhouse, for instance.

Gabby has been described as an avatar for resilience and hope. So, if you’re going to let your 2–5-year-old kids watch TV, you might as well choose something that will teach them determination.

But as your kids get older, deep conversations become more important. You’ll have to listen to their concerns/fears and reassure them that you’ll always be there for them.

3. It’s Okay to Take a Break or Seek Help

As a parent, you want to be a good role model and raise your kids well. Just know that you don’t have to go at it alone. It’s okay to lean on your community (family, friends, teachers, coaches, etc.) and ask for help whenever you need it.

Remember to de-stress and take care of yourself. Without self-care, you won’t have the energy you need to be the best parent you can be.

Final Thoughts

A final word of advice? Experts say that resilience is an “ordinary magic.” You don’t build resilience with heroic measures or grand gestures. Instead, your child needs a lot of positive day-to-day interactions to become resilient.

The best place to start is with your own behavior and outlook on life. After all, children look to their parents and caregivers for cues!

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